today was not my day.

not my day at all.

things are falling apart and there's no one i can go to.

honestly.

i sound so depressed.

jeez.

this must be it, welcome to the new year
the drinks were consumed, the plants were destroyed and the hor'deurves dismantled
i'm not smiling behind this fake veneer
i am often interrupted or completely ignored

but most of all i'm bored

i'm trying to find out if my words have any meaning
lackluster and full of contempts when it always ends the same
why won't you listen to me?

why did i come, oh why did i come here?
these humans all suck, i'd rather be home feeling violent and lonely
i'm not trying to sounds so insincere
but the postcard that's taped to the freezer reads "wish you were here"

how i wish i could disappear

i'm trying to find out if my words have any meaning
lackluster and full of contempts when it always ends the same
heads up, damage control, there's a ring around her finger
last chance for changing lanes and you missed it by a mile
why won't you listen to me?

this must be it, welcome to the new year


on friday i went to semi with robbie. it was fun. i don't have much to say about it besides the fact that they played terrible music except for one fall out boy song, which i had to request.

today i went to this Christmas party with my dad's side of the family. they're loud. we always have arguments. the bad part was that brianna brought her boyfriend dan and i sat alone, eavesdropping on other people's conversations, feeling sad, the entire time.

dan: (comes downstairs with rice krispie suqares)
brianna: i thought you were full.
dan: i am, but i couldn't say no!
brianna: well, who offered them to you?
dan: i don't know, grandpa kestle?

we're all grandpa kestles as far as he's concerned.




robbie's going to make some girl very happy one day.
but it can't be me.

im pretty sure robbie and i are fighting.

:[

so friday night i went to my friend dans house. it was mealyssaashleyjeffseanlucydan. we watched 8 crazy nights & saw & shaun of the dead & land of the dead. it was fun. i went home at 12.

saturday i was going to go shopping for my dress with mom but alyssa wanted to take me to a christmas show at jlc so i went to canadian tire & the library with dad and brother and then went to alyssas. we hung out at her house, went to london, bought the ticketz, ate a wendys (i had a scarring experience in the wendys bathroom but i dont want to talk about it), went to jlc. barenaked ladies played and they are very amazing live. i am also in love with the bass player and thats that.

today i went to exeter and to church. mom is trying to get me together with this boy at church she thinks i would be cute with, which makes me so fucking mad. i bet she would even let me date him because he was a church boy. wholesome and fresh. she doesnt understand that i am in love with another boy even though i have tried to explain it in so many ways. what made me madder was that today the message was about spending your life waiting for important things to happen and all i could think about was me waiting for september 13th of 2006 to suddenly come. i was just a mess today. it was my grandmas birthday firday so there were so many people at my uncles house. including alot of my family that i dont particularly like. like my cousin rick.

my dad: hey rick, thats a nice haircut.
rick: what? oh, thanks.
my dad: are the chicks chasing after you now? do you have your jeep out?
rick: yes, i have my jeep out.

true story. then my little cousin marisa who is in grade four and looks like a mouse tried to teach me math. we also made little words out of the word exuberance.

ROBBIE

a while ago you asked for the "benefits of not letting michelle date" list. i have that information for you right now.

the benefits of not letting michelle date
the list

1) we, michelles parents, are both extremely gay and do not know the meaning of letting our daughter and robbie be happy. we actually rather enjoy making them stay at this awkward stage without knowing what to do.

2) it is funny that we would allow her to hold hands with robbie but not let them date. we laugh about this concept in the late hours of the night.

3) we, michelles parents, were both anti-social losers as children and we do not let anyone be social because that would just be unethical and illogical.

4) we dont actually have any reasons, were just idiots in general.

goodnight livejournal.

i went to yoga with amber and hung out with robbie & logan afterwards.

i tried to get catcher in the rye from robbie but really all i could focus on was that our hands were touching.

i just now realized that id rather leave my judge show to go see if robbies online instead of seeing the final verdict.

thats love.

i havent written a long entry for a while, so i guess here i go.
friday was play practise from 2:30 till 4:30. im really starting to worry about this play because some people dont even have their lines memorized yet and we only have four full cast practises. which is really scary to think about. but yeah. pictures this ; everyone who is acting in the play is on the stage the whole time. when were not talking, we just kind of blend in with the set. were all wearing black pants, a black sweater with a hood and an extra accessory that suits our character. and when were not talking, we have to wear our hoods. so my little accessory thing is this long arm warmer thing that used to be a sock and a whole bunch of bracelets...and really dark makeup...because im suicidal. but anyways. i start and end the play and and and for my last monologue, it is the only thing in the entire play where only one actor is onstage. so im really excited and really nervous about it. then i stand in the middle of the stage and bow, then two more people come out from either side of the stage and bow, so on so forth. im so excited about this play...and jon and michelle are coming, and so are alissa/tim/sarah. so its gonna be sweet. after practise i had like half an hour to kill before i got a ride so i hung out with amber and logan. and they spent the entire time trying to convince me to go to colins that night. so now they think i hate them because i didnt want to come, but it really wasnt that. it was just...something else.
so yesterday we went into london and my mom and dad went to look for a new dishwasher so me and my brother and sister stayed in the car and played guessing games and listened to panic! at the disco. then we went shopping, i bought some new jeanzzz, and we went to tonys pizza. then we dropped brianna off at her boyfriends house on the way home and then went to marks work wearhouse and i got these really pink & white & fuzzy socks that i love<33
and im just feeling a little low right now so i think ill finish this a little later.

ryan: hey loser.
michelle: (drinks juice)
ryan: how was play practice?
michelle: really crappy.
ryan: (waits)
michelle: no one knows their lines.
ryan: haha. that must suck.
michelle: this play is going to suck.
ryan: well yeah, if no one knows their lines.

LOVE IS JUST A FUCKING HOAX




FORGET EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE HEARD

there is a boy in my drama class.
his name is kenny.
he is in grade 12 this year.
and he likes me.

i started talking to him about a month ago. it was harmless. he would give me the evil eye from across the room and id just laugh and look away. then he started flirting. i was a little scared, but i just thought, he's i grade 12. im in grade 10. hes not going to start liking me. then we did this game in drama where we all had to take on a character. i picked the friendly girl who helps people out. he picked the rapist who followed me around the whole time.
do you see anything wrong with this?
am i overreacting?
he will stare at me during class. he will stare at me during lunch. he is going to ask me to semi. he doesnt care that i already have a date. he tells all of my friends im beautiful. he is obsessed.
i am scared to the point of tears right now.

eehee.
i am in such a good mood right now.
i dont know why.
but does it matter?
im getting my hair cut this weekend.
robbie and i are talking.
careers is almost over
and my friends are amazing<3
im determined to get to wisconsin somehow
the play is getting sweeter
and sweeter
by the minute.
i don't even think we're playing simple plan at the beginning ^_^
life is awesome.

haha. you almost believed that, didnt you?
i want to give him a hug right now:@ hes in such a bad mood. i want to make it better.
but i can't
my life isnt actually too bad right now though.
theres nothing really standing out in my mind right now that i feel the need to write about. i just thought an update was in order.
commentmyspacebye:)

i have nothing really to write about man.
so why am i doing this?
well. because robbie signed off:@
his computer needs to be beaten
TIM AND SARAH
i so got my mom to agree to look at your myspaces
if you want me to come to wisconsin you will make sure there is no swearing in it
and then i can come
i have no idea how
but i will
anyways
go reading robbie's livejournal if you want to know about everything
it's too painful to go through
i'll see you all later.

my night=boring.
my night=so boring, i wouldn't wish it upon anyone, not even one of my worst enemies.
my night=painful to think about.
my night=i talked to sarah for a few minutes and then went to hand out candy because the kids were banging down my door. my mom and my brother went out trick or treating, my dad was at work, my sister was at a party, my cat was locked in another room so she wouldn't run out when i opened the door, and i don't really know what my fish was doing. so i was home alone. i sat at the kitchen table reading a book and waiting for trick or treaters to come ring the doorbell. i asked robbie to come, but that was pretty much suicide on his part. needless to say, he didn't come. my mom and my brother came back at about 8 so now they're here and i'm just sitting peacefully in my basement typing this. plus my cat was lonely all night so she keeps jumping on the keyboard trying to get my attention and licking my hand.
but yeah. today in drama we had to act out this script...i was partners with amber...it was pretty easy, she was trying to convince me to tell her what was wrong with me and i was trying to convince her to just leave me alone. we're really focusing on character's intent and sticking to that, not worrying about the character's actual lines or movement. it's pretty easy. in english mr. steffler gave us like one question and then he was like, "i know you're not going to work since it's halloween so i don't really care if you get this done or not, just have fun." so it was pretty sweet. alyssa and i established that everyone in the room was going crazy because...like...they were. i don't know. it seemed funny at the time. careers was pretty much same old same old, boring and pointless but i don't really mind it because heather's in that class and she's so blonde she makes me laugh. and math wasn't too bad...we used graphing calculators so we didn't have to really do any real work. then she even gave us candy and i was just like :O.
but anyways. i have no idea what the eff is going to happen between me and robbie. we had a decent enough conversation last night and it's getting less awkward, but we're kidding ourselves when we say we can always be friends. we'll talk, and then it'll come up again, and it's just like a messed up cycle or something. we agreed nothing romantic could ever happen between us; and i just don't know. and if i don't even understand it myself, i'm not going to bother trying to explain it to all of you.
all i know is that i love him and miss him.
goodnight:)

it annoys me that:

*you can always tell when people only start a conversation with you on msn because no one else is on for them to talk to
*we're starting our play with a simple plan song
*robbie and i can't have a decent conversation without things being overwhelmingly awkward
*tim and sarah don't live here
*i can't write a livejournal entry without complaining about something or other
*i'm having a major craving for pizza right now
*you have to press shift to make a star
*my candy is almost gone
*some people in this world have no idea what music is good and what music is bad
*when people bump your arm or knock your purse off your shoulder by accident, they always tell you they're sorry but they never really are
*i have a continuing headache

have a nice day.

but i'll tell you anyways.

our principal has yet to approve our play. and if he doesn't, it will obviously get cancelled. and we obviously won't have time to hold new auditions for a new play when our performance dates are already in line for the sears drama festival. if he says no, the students are going to talk to him. we're even going to see if he'll sit in on one of our practises. because we all have our heart set on this play. the man who wrote it and his wife are even planning to come to our performance, see how the play has evolved over the years, and he wants to interview us. US. we might even be on tv. and i know i sound like a 5 year old, but i'm not going to stfu. it made me really happy, but none of this is going to happen unless the principal cuts us some slack. you see, it is a little inappropriate. suicide. murder. sex. but it is so realistic. i really hope he gives it a chance.

things with robbie are unbelievably awkward right now. i'll sign on msn, and he'll be on, but he won't talk to me. so i don't talk to him because i figure he doesn't want to talk to me. but then i start to really feel like talking to him. so i do. but it always ends up being nothing more than a hey, what's up, i have to go so i'll see you later kind of conversation. and it's driving me nuts. i don't have a gift with words and i can't come up with beautiful things like he does. but i can't get over him. it's like trying to breathe underwater. it's like trying to resist chocolate when it's sitting right in front of you. but then, it's different. it's like nothing i've ever experienced. and it's causing me alot of sleepless nights and i don't eat as much as a used to. it's hard to swallow when you've lost someone like this. it's no use denying it anymore, but it's so hard to accept.

and then tim and sarah seem to not want to talk to me. and they seem annoyed with me. and they seem like they're talking to me only out of pity. and my friends make excuses to leave me at school. and i try not to get sad and come crawling back to livejournal, but once i write things down it helps me really understand what is in front of me. in drama, she made us lay down on the carpet flat on our backs and concentrate on our breathing, try to forget everything that comes swimming through our minds. but everything just keeps coming back. why did i do this? what did i get myself into? what am i going to do without robbie?

i'm about done. goodnight.

i got called a bitch again today

and i'm beginning to think that

i am and

i'm just too stupid to realize it.

there they are, on my arm. four scars. people who've seen them ask what they are. i tell them my cat scratched me. i don't have a cat, but i don't want anyone to know the truth.

i hate talking about it. every time i tell somebody, all i get is a huge why. i can't tell them. i don't know. one day, i remember, i was on a walk-a-thon for tsunami relief. my best friend told me she was leaving my school, going back to her old school. and what could i do? she'd miss me. we'd keep in touch. but she was the only person i liked there. she didn't depend on me like i depended on her. it's a terrible thing to depend on another person.

so that night i went home and announced to my parents that i wanted to change schools. that my best friend was leaving. that i had no friends left. they laughed at me. told me i was being ridiculous. i wanted to hurt them. i went upstairs and there, in my makeup case was a razor. tempting. i turned on my radio, loud, and tried to think about other things, but the razor's presence was louder than the music. i went to the box and took it. then i went into the bathroom.

it was suddenly very important to me not to make a mess. i ran the bath water cold and, fully dressed, got in the tub. i took the razor and drew it across my inner arm. it hurt, but it didn't hurt a lot, and i wanted it to hurt more. i did it again and again, and soon my whole arm a gory mess, and the water in the tub was red, and it hurt, but not enough, and i still wasn't dead.

there was a knock at the door. my mother came in. she saw me and screamed, hauled me out of the bathtub, covered me with towels and got my dad. they were yelling at me, trying to figure out why i did it. screaming, "you have so much to live for. you're young. you're healthy. you have a family who loves you. think how well off you are. school is such a small thing..."

an ambulance came and, even though i was absolutely calm, they sedated me and took me to the mental ward. i was there for two days. when i went home, i started seeing my psychiatrist again. even though he also bothered me about everything i had to live for. so? it didn't matter to me what i had, how well off i was. i only knew i didn't want to live this life.

and when anyone asks about the scars on my arms, i tell them my cat did it. telling the truth is just picking scabs.


*so this is my major monologue for the school play. and i'm scared to death to do it. offer me happy thoughts plz.
kthxbye

IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO COMMENT ME I'M GOING TO STOP WRITING IN THIS.

:(:(:(:(

alot of the time people say how it feels like a saturday or a sunday or another day when really it's a day that's completely different. but today didn't feel like a monday, a tuesday, a wednesday, or even a friday like it's supposed to. it didn't feel like any day, really. do you want to know why? because i looked right at the sun and didn't have to squint my eyes.

today i went to my grandma's house with my mom and brother and sister. we left at around lunch time, ate sandwiches in the car and got there about 1:00. we just spent time with her. she's really lonely living alone in a trailer so we visit her when we can. my sister and i helped with housework, and we had mcdonalds for supper. i put a piece of cheese in my sister's french fries and she called me a freak, but it was okay.

i don't remember much about the drive home besides the fact that we listened to fall out boy and i really had to pee. we dropped my sister off at her boyfriend's house and came home, so now i have nothing really to do. i forgot my myspace password and it isn't sending me an e-mail like it said it would to tell me my password, so i can't even do that.

plus, robbie hates me.

goodnight.

i'm getting weirder guys.

i was in drama class, and me and jasmine-the-simple-plan-fan-who-don't-worry-i-make-fun-of-every-second-of-the-day had to present our skit, and it was only about one minute when it was supposed to be about three to five minutes. so i stood there for like 30 seconds saying "gloria" over and over again. don't ask, please.

i've also been extremely overemotional these days. i'll see someone tell someone else that they love them and get tears in my eyes. i don't understand how one person can have this much effect on the way you live your life. i don't do anything the way i used to. everything feels shifted, different, not me.

my grandma is getting better, i'm happy to tell you. she hasn't had a nosebleed for a while now and i saw her on sunday. she's great, which makes me happy to think about. i love my grandma alot. she buys me and my brother and my sister mentos every sunday so that we have something to eat during church. she even buys the flavoured kind, which are kind of better than the minty kind because they are more exotic and interesting to taste. my grandma is so nice, and i really want her to get better.

there is also a man named harry at our church who is friends with the family and he buys a whole bunch of rockets candy and gives them to the kids when they come up to him and say please. he still gives them to me and my sister even though we're kind of old to be getting candy from an adult, but i love it. rockets are one of my favourites.

i walked by robbie today in the hallway. i don't know if he saw me or not, but i saw him and avoided eye contact. we haven't spoken in person for a while.

i should probably go do something to get my mind off things, so i guess i'll write in here later. i was supposed to hang out with ashley and alyssa and we were going to go to dan's to watch team america, but my mom told me tonight would just be too busy to drive me and plus i didn't need to. first of all, we are not busy. the only thing that happened was my mom went to my brother's school to have a parent teacher interview at 5:15, and now she is home and everyone is also at home except for my dad, who is working. and if i only did things i [quote]needed[unquote] to do, i would drink water, eat healthy foods from all four food groups and occasionally sleep. that is all. so i don't think her reason holds up very well. i also got invited to go carve pumpkins at jayme's house, but i can't do that either.

which is not really helping matters.